he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
