Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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