so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
