new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
