well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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