Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
