you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
