So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
So many bounce houses so little time
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Your penis caused this!
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