im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
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