he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
