ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
