and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
