i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
