I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
