bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
