On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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