How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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