your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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