the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
