she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
