I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
