Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
