Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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