it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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