I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
