He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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