Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
