So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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