You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
