Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
