Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
