i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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