I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
