I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
sarcasm needs its own font
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
