How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
