Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
