tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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