I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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