Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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