I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
