So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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