a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
