Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
