Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
