defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Found your dick twin last night
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
