no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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