come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
