I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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