Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
