Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Best friends brother. Beat that.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
