I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm too high and old for this...
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
