u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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