I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
